Blog #8: Valuing the Right People – Drunk Version

For some reason, I am in the perfect mindset to write something. You know, drunk and all. After all, it’s 5AM and I can’t go to sleep just yet.

I wish that I and all of the people close to my heart will learn how to value ourselves more than anybody else; that we may find in the deep recesses of our minds that to love another person is to love ourselves first and foremost because losing ourselves along the way is very scary.

I had my own lapses. I forgave. I plead. I cried. I gave second chances. I worshipped the ground they walked on. In the end, I was left alone. I was not able love and respect myself enough to let go of the poison once and for all.

Which is why I became a gob of broken glass… hoping that I may be whole again but also knowing that in the process, I need someone brave enough to bear the cuts and blood.

Because this is who I am now. I’ve become the person I, myself, feel painful to deal with. I don’t know how to act around men. I don’t do well with meeting new people.

Because it feels like I’m going to ruin everything before anything even begins. And the amount of my insecurities that have piled up one after the other surely doesn’t help.

Which is why I know for myself that it’s not going to be easy. Which is why I don’t want to be ever be involved with anyone again just to lose myself again. Which is why I don’t want to force anything just because my friends feel like it.

Because truth be told, that level of desperation is still beyond this galaxy. I am content. I’m not going to fool myself and believe that I’m happy to be this alone because I’m not. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies to be independent and alone. The money, and the travels aren’t always unicorns and sweet pies. This world has created the human race so that we may revel in it. So that we may have someone to hug in bliss and in despair, in excitement and in anger, and in no reason at all but the perfect feeling to be in somebody’s arms.

Nevertheless, I feel like I will be fine. There’s no point in forcing something or anything, when the end is bound. Whatever happens, happens.

It’s time we give ourselves the break from all the disappointments.

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