Blog #7: Sad Truth

Allow me, my dear blog, to talk about someone for the last time. The last time, blog. Last time. And I swear on my grave that I will never mention him again after I end this text.

It’s stupid and irrational to be so tongue-tied over a crush especially when you’re already 23. You don’t get crushes at 23. You don’t feel ‘kilig’ over a silly infatuation at 23. This is where I tell ya how the obsession started. How it all started when I found out that the one who I actually liked had a girlfriend. Yeap. /sigh

Men. Either you don’t like them or they’re taken.

So, I liked a guy. A cum laude, a man after his big, big dreams, extremely nice and caring, watches a lot of soldier stuff and above all, has the best smile. I am a goner for his type. A man after my heart, for sure. And then kabam, I found out he has a girlfriend. Of four years. Pretty fantastic.

So meh. What could I do about it? I had to channel my deeply-rooted emotions into something else – work. Here enters the crush from work. He was walking by one time and he reminded me so much of the guy. So much so that every time he passed by my aisle, my eyes can’t help but follow him.

I started to get pretty obsessed (creepy) for the next few days that I tried to ask around who the guy is. I got hold of a first name. His name is so generic, I couldn’t possibly search for it on FB. So I and a friend reached out to our company’s address book and maybe we could find out from there. An address book of thousands of people. Can’t comprehend the desperation, Ai. Get a goddamned grip.

But alas, we couldn’t find him. Turns out, we were spelling his name wrong. Thanks be to Zeus for team leads who know managers who know said crush ’cause I finally found out the whole name. And here’s the catch. Are you ready for the big, big surprise? He’s in a very long term relationship.

Oh. Right. That should not be surprise. Since I seem to like every taken guy in town.

From that point forward, I developed an insane fixation towards him. A very annoying predicament for friends, a very useful distraction on my part.

I didn’t want to lament over a guy I couldn’t like so I’d rather pine harmlessly over someone I don’t exactly know on a deeper level, might be taken for god knows how long (im betting 46 years) but at least he’s someone I wasn’t seriously and obviously in love with. It’s a win-win for me.

It doesn’t stop there. He might not know I exist (until recently) but there’s no harm in trying to let’s just say, stepping up my game on the trying to look good when going to work part. So that’s what I did. I made myself look more presentable than I normally was. Another win, ’cause this benefited me despite the fact that he didn’t know that I was doing it originally for him. Haha.

Let’s get to the ugly part. All of these still wouldn’t hide the hard fact that I cannot seriously forget someone just because he’s got a doppelgänger at work. It’s a bitter pill to swallow but that’s the truth of it.

So when one time came and I saw him and he me, he told me I looked happy and blooming.

Ha. Of course, I do. ‘Cause I’m trying to impress a guy who looks like you at work. Wink. Ten points to Ravenclaw.

He knew there will never be a thing to happen between us but he was very persistent, said we could be good friends instead. And just to give him the benefit of the doubt, I said okay, we could be friends. Yeah. I’m going to find out later that I am digging my own grave.

I truly believed we could be friends though. Because I tried. He comes to the office, asks me to dinner, or just plain wants to see me so we’re good. We were good… supposed to be. But that shit wasn’t gonna roll on my side.

Because I still liked him. And no matter how much I tried to cover it up by thinking I like someone else at work, it didn’t do me any good. It didn’t. Sucks for me.

But I carried on with the whole crush thing and hoped the real thing will go away. For six months. Too long a time.

Before my last day at work, we got a chance to talk. I told him that we could not continue on to be friends. He said he feels devastated by it. He said he could be there for me. He asked me if I don’t love anyone because I sure seemed happy and content the last time he saw me that he was pretty sure I was into someone. Good god I wish I was into someone else. I wish I was into that guy at work. No. I wish I don’t. The 46-year long relationship is depressing in itself.

But anyway, we ended the conversation with a final decision. That we will both try to not contact each other for a while hoping that we’ll get pass this eventually. Because we seriously think we could be very good friends. My feelings has just a habit of getting in the way. I mean, how could it not? He hugs me like I’m the most precious thing in the world. The hugs should have stopped a long time ago ’cause those are serious deal breakers. I’m marupok af. Lol.

ANYWAY. It’s 7AM and I need sleep. I should go to sleep.


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