Blog #2: Do I Ever Grow Up?

I like to think that I have been busy in my actual life that I couldn’t have spare some time to write something and update my blog or to read the books I’ve been waiting ages to read but I had so much free time I might as well have been unemployed.

Blame it on my sudden fascination with TV series. *gasp* TV series over books?! I know. It’s not very conceivable especially for a person such as I who have yet to endure a week without a book from few years past but I finally had. I binged watched Suits and Stranger Things and Riverdale and 13 Reasons Why. Sue me.

I also went on two hikes. They were exhilarating but it still does not erase the fact that I did not read a single thing for two months. Two. Freaking. Months. Damn, yes, people. I am disappointed at myself, too.

Well anyway, let’s stop talking about stupid decisions and get right on with the exciting stuff about my life. Not that anybody cares but keeping a blog makes you think you’re actually important. Hehe.

An ex always has to come back and fuck your life up. That’s right. We think we’re too good for cheating exes but sometimes we’re not. Sometimes emotions are too obstreperous and they get in the way of the healing process. And you do not only have your treacherous emotions to reign in, you also have high blood alcohol content at the moment which was actually a freaking good idea in the first place, wasn’t it? Pretty sure you’re in some deep shit.

This ex is of a girlfriend. Shocking. Not.

And then he asks you if, maybe, you can give the both of you a chance to start again. With his girlfriend on the side. Basically, he is asking you to be his second. That is the most fucked up garbage I’ve heard my entire life but inebriated me laughed it off and just blamed that unreal statement on his innate arrogance and idiocy. And I also said sure.

Yeah, what the fuck, right? But thank god he had a change of hearts after a couple of minutes and he asked me to go out at night, when everybody is asleep and we all know that nothing wholesome or modest happens then so I knew each word he was spouting was the same bullshit over and over again. He’s not exactly contacting me because I was lovely, and nice and he likes me. Nope. He’s in it for the adulterous bullcrap I was supposed to have spotted right on if I wasn’t so drunk.

Almost. I almost fell for it. But I am the amending girl. I don’t show emotions to people who doesn’t deserve a pint of it. He likes to play so I am gonna play his game. if I had anything left, it is my dignity. Why, anyway, do I still have stored feelings for a guy who has never felt sorry for what he did and now asking me to be his option 2? Why? Why is it so hard to ignore what has been when he fucking cheated on me?

He tells me I’m dramatic. Yeah, right. If he had an access to my unending thoughts, he’d know that I am tad more dramatic than he thinks. If he had known half of what I felt about him, he’d cut the bullshit of calling me dramatic and send me to the nearest mental hospital instead.

I’m going to admit it. Only two men has burned me quite deeply. The first guy who took me years to finally forget, and this guy. Which is why I am so fucked up from his annoying ass the past couple of days and I don’t know what to do with the ashes that seem to want to resume burning.

Thankfully, I was sober the last couple of days – no clouded judgment and absolutely no ruining of other people’s relationships. Because I ain’t that person. I am not going to delude myself into believing that he feels more for me.

When he decided to drop the bomb on me and said he had someone else, I did not reduce myself into calling him the cheating bastard, and lying asshole even when he deserved it. I did not ask for forgiveness two months later when he called me. But I was drunk on weekend nights. I was so broken. I thought he was the one for me. Thought it was going to last. Thought he wasn’t capable of lying. But we all are, you know. Capable of lying. I didn’t think I was ever going to stop drinking because I was so messed up. We had a connection (or maybe I was the only one feeling the connection, who knows). We were funny together, we got into debates, I sent him pizzas because he liked them and it made me happy seeing him happy, I supported his decisions when he was looking for work because I knew how it felt to have no one support your decisions, he was the first to know that I passed the board exams and called me his pharmacist and I was teary-eyed… He was there for me. I was there for him.

But all that bullshit are almost two years old. And I am actually glad to believe and know that I am not the same person he left. I’ve grown so much. I may still not be beautiful, but I am more driven, passionate, and smarter in my decisions now.

I am good. I can’t actually be that desperate to allow people to mistreat me, right? Believe me when I say, I have cut off all of the people who always made me feel like I am the second (or maybe third, dude that’s even worse). Nobody deserves such a thing.

So there goes my story. Not interesting and intellectually rich but it will do for a personal blog. Lol. See you all around! :)

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