Identity Crisis: The Anj Version

When you have a burning passion towards a lot of things, it takes more than money to pacify your feisty self. I should know, I am currently in a position where my role in this society is a constant burning confusion in my head.

It’s been a year since I was first employed and sans the canards, and contretemps in the office, it was quite the good life I have never had. It was enough to satisfy my needs and various… indulgence but soul satisfaction is another thing.

I have my fair share of regrets. When I was reviewing for the board exam, I wasn’t exactly… reviewing. I was reading books, I watched sports, I always made it a point that I am sleepy whenever it’s time to read my notes. I was slacking. That’s me – always putting important things off until I don’t have any more enough time.

I knew I was going to pass the board exam. It wasn’t because of arrogance but I firmly believed what I was capable of. But that did not stop me from jumping up and down when I was finally the Registered Pharmacist I’ve been dreaming of for years. It didn’t matter what my passing rate was, I was an RPh regardless if I had a flat 75%. Then came out the breakdown of my passing rate and I have not felt so penitent my entire life. To be so close to the 10 topnotches yet to be so far away. If only I was levelheaded enough to allot the whole of 5 months into reviewing, I might have had the chance.

But I was my usual stupid, immature self. So I had to dodge the question every time I was asked. Was I a topnotcher? Zeus, no, I wasn’t. Because I was and am not that brilliant. I am not as smart as people think I am. Then add to that my lazyass, you have the perfect un-brilliant package.

At night when it is surrendered to the deafening silence, I always think about what I could be now if I had been better. I might have been offered better compensation, a better work, better chances and opportunities, better everything.

But being the firm believer of optimism and life’s grandiosity in the grand scheme of things, I still am twenty-two and going twenty-three in a month’s time. I still have a huge portion of my life ahead of me and I cling to the more sanguine supposition that all of my mistakes, the wrong decisions, and the juvenile-ness during my young life are my driving factors to my goal of being the best version of myself.

I wish that when I come back to this post, I have decided what I want to do in my life. It could be being a doctor, a lawyer, or I could pursue a very old penchant to when I was only a little child and be a teacher. Right now, I am leaning towards enrolling into Law school because Med School basically needs more time (all of your time, actually) and more money so I can’t exactly do that ’cause I need to retain my job while studying. I want to be able to tend to all of my needs because my parents have done their responsibilities to me and it’s high time I do mine.

If a divine being permits a different course, I will gladly entertain such opportunity. Until then, I will have to set my goals in accordance to the limits of my… repository.

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