Blog #8: Valuing the Right People – Drunk Version

For some reason, I am in the perfect mindset to write something. You know, drunk and all. After all, it’s 5AM and I can’t go to sleep just yet.

I wish that I and all of the people close to my heart will learn how to value ourselves more than anybody else; that we may find in the deep recesses of our minds that to love another person is to love ourselves first and foremost because losing ourselves along the way is very scary.

I had my own lapses. I forgave. I plead. I cried. I gave second chances. I worshipped the ground they walked on. In the end, I was left alone. I was not able love and respect myself enough to let go of the poison once and for all.

Which is why I became a gob of broken glass… hoping that I may be whole again but also knowing that in the process, I need someone brave enough to bear the cuts and blood.

Because this is who I am now. I’ve become the person I, myself, feel painful to deal with. I don’t know how to act around men. I don’t do well with meeting new people.

Because it feels like I’m going to ruin everything before anything even begins. And the amount of my insecurities that have piled up one after the other surely doesn’t help.

Which is why I know for myself that it’s not going to be easy. Which is why I don’t want to be ever be involved with anyone again just to lose myself again. Which is why I don’t want to force anything just because my friends feel like it.

Because truth be told, that level of desperation is still beyond this galaxy. I am content. I’m not going to fool myself and believe that I’m happy to be this alone because I’m not. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies to be independent and alone. The money, and the travels aren’t always unicorns and sweet pies. This world has created the human race so that we may revel in it. So that we may have someone to hug in bliss and in despair, in excitement and in anger, and in no reason at all but the perfect feeling to be in somebody’s arms.

Nevertheless, I feel like I will be fine. There’s no point in forcing something or anything, when the end is bound. Whatever happens, happens.

It’s time we give ourselves the break from all the disappointments.


Blog #7: Sad Truth

Allow me, my dear blog, to talk about someone for the last time. The last time, blog. Last time. And I swear on my grave that I will never mention him again after I end this text.

It’s stupid and irrational to be so tongue-tied over a crush especially when you’re already 23. You don’t get crushes at 23. You don’t feel ‘kilig’ over a silly infatuation at 23. This is where I tell ya how the obsession started. How it all started when I found out that the one who I actually liked had a girlfriend. Yeap. /sigh

Men. Either you don’t like them or they’re taken.

So, I liked a guy. A cum laude, a man after his big, big dreams, extremely nice and caring, watches a lot of soldier stuff and above all, has the best smile. I am a goner for his type. A man after my heart, for sure. And then kabam, I found out he has a girlfriend. Of four years. Pretty fantastic.

So meh. What could I do about it? I had to channel my deeply-rooted emotions into something else – work. Here enters the crush from work. He was walking by one time and he reminded me so much of the guy. So much so that every time he passed by my aisle, my eyes can’t help but follow him.

I started to get pretty obsessed (creepy) for the next few days that I tried to ask around who the guy is. I got hold of a first name. His name is so generic, I couldn’t possibly search for it on FB. So I and a friend reached out to our company’s address book and maybe we could find out from there. An address book of thousands of people. Can’t comprehend the desperation, Ai. Get a goddamned grip.

But alas, we couldn’t find him. Turns out, we were spelling his name wrong. Thanks be to Zeus for team leads who know managers who know said crush ’cause I finally found out the whole name. And here’s the catch. Are you ready for the big, big surprise? He’s in a very long term relationship.

Oh. Right. That should not be surprise. Since I seem to like every taken guy in town.

From that point forward, I developed an insane fixation towards him. A very annoying predicament for friends, a very useful distraction on my part.

I didn’t want to lament over a guy I couldn’t like so I’d rather pine harmlessly over someone I don’t exactly know on a deeper level, might be taken for god knows how long (im betting 46 years) but at least he’s someone I wasn’t seriously and obviously in love with. It’s a win-win for me.

It doesn’t stop there. He might not know I exist (until recently) but there’s no harm in trying to let’s just say, stepping up my game on the trying to look good when going to work part. So that’s what I did. I made myself look more presentable than I normally was. Another win, ’cause this benefited me despite the fact that he didn’t know that I was doing it originally for him. Haha.

Let’s get to the ugly part. All of these still wouldn’t hide the hard fact that I cannot seriously forget someone just because he’s got a doppelgänger at work. It’s a bitter pill to swallow but that’s the truth of it.

So when one time came and I saw him and he me, he told me I looked happy and blooming.

Ha. Of course, I do. ‘Cause I’m trying to impress a guy who looks like you at work. Wink. Ten points to Ravenclaw.

He knew there will never be a thing to happen between us but he was very persistent, said we could be good friends instead. And just to give him the benefit of the doubt, I said okay, we could be friends. Yeah. I’m going to find out later that I am digging my own grave.

I truly believed we could be friends though. Because I tried. He comes to the office, asks me to dinner, or just plain wants to see me so we’re good. We were good… supposed to be. But that shit wasn’t gonna roll on my side.

Because I still liked him. And no matter how much I tried to cover it up by thinking I like someone else at work, it didn’t do me any good. It didn’t. Sucks for me.

But I carried on with the whole crush thing and hoped the real thing will go away. For six months. Too long a time.

Before my last day at work, we got a chance to talk. I told him that we could not continue on to be friends. He said he feels devastated by it. He said he could be there for me. He asked me if I don’t love anyone because I sure seemed happy and content the last time he saw me that he was pretty sure I was into someone. Good god I wish I was into someone else. I wish I was into that guy at work. No. I wish I don’t. The 46-year long relationship is depressing in itself.

But anyway, we ended the conversation with a final decision. That we will both try to not contact each other for a while hoping that we’ll get pass this eventually. Because we seriously think we could be very good friends. My feelings has just a habit of getting in the way. I mean, how could it not? He hugs me like I’m the most precious thing in the world. The hugs should have stopped a long time ago ’cause those are serious deal breakers. I’m marupok af. Lol.

ANYWAY. It’s 7AM and I need sleep. I should go to sleep.

Blog #6: Friendshit

A good friend advised me to write in the hopes that it’ll help me cope with my emotional turmoil. Thank god for friends like him. He’s the lone person who understands me, man. The only person who knows when I’m sad or when I’m happy. Anyway, let’s get started.

This transition from a young professional to a ‘legit’ adult is extremely exhausting. The first lesson I’ve been trying to learn for quite sometime now is you’re not gonna find  a real friend fast.

Some will only talk to you about their problems. Now, being the true friend that I am, I empathize to every single shit they tell me. I ask, I advise, I help, I deal with the problem as well like it’s mine. I feel happiness, sadness, excitement, fear, and whathaveyous with them.

And if they can’t do that when I, in turn, am going through rough days, then we can’t be really friends. Yes? I do not talk to friends about this. I don’t tell them to empathize with me. That’s not how it works. If they don’t give a fuck from the get go, I’m out. This isn’t the friendship I am going to endure for the rest of my life.

Also, people know me as honest and frank. I’m not going to sugarcoat shit to you. I’m not going to pretend to anything. My friends know that. They have a dose of it all of the freaking time and I know they sometimes hate me for it. I am not going to apologize for it though.

If I can be honest with friends, the least thing they could do is to be honest with me as well. Puta. We’re tight as fuck, they should talk to me if they have issues with me.

Man, it’s a totally different world out there. It is insane. But the fucks I could give have been going downhill for a long time now and I’m down to none.

So this is how it works here. One day, I will finally find that friend (in exclusion of the friend who advised me to write lol he’s 50 million miles away) and I hope it’s soon. I have too much emotional baggage for me to carry alone. Lol. Kidding.

Blog #5: Reading Slump No More

Alright. I have finally decided to go back into reading. I love reading and I shouldn’t have put it aside for so long in the first place. Reading makes me happy, yeah cliché, and it’s cliché for a reason, because it’s supposed to make you happy.

I will read The Iron King tonight, then I will continue with Into The Water tomorrow, and probably Strange The Dreamer by the weekend. I will totally erase the 25 books I am behind with on my goodreads challenge. This is going to be great.

Blog #4: Worthless

I feel so worthless. I have friends. I have a family. I can buy all the things I want – concert tickets, new bag, new lipstick, airfare, new books, anything. But I feel so lonely. It feels like there is no one out there who cares deeply for me other than me. I feel so unappreciated. Only now have I realized that no one probably is ever thinking about me at random. So just like I have always done, I adjust to my environment. If I’m alone, then I’m alone. If no one’s going to care for me, I’ll stop doing it to people and take care of myself instead. Ever since I started working, nobody has yet to think about me, and what I like, and what could make me happy. It could be my birthday, the Christmas season, or any occasion for that matter. It’s okay though. I’ll be able to adjust from it. I’ll be okay. I’m not depressed. I’ll be fine. I just had to write something because no one knows anything about how I feel and I don’t want everything pent up inside. I deactivated my facebook account. I’ll try to review my life on a different light. I hope, in the end, that I’ll find it in myself to feel happy.

Blog #3: It’s Hot as Fuck

Hello, everyone! So I just decided that I should probably write here more often and so my posts will now be more informal, and irrelevant, more about what’s going on with my life but of course, I will still post about books and travels, I ain’t gonna abandon those.

To start off, it’s the holidays and it’s not the holidays I can appreciate as basically every mall within 5 miles is closed. Add to that the extremely hot weather, I swear it’s like the earth is getting boiled. Not the best days, obviously. And my house ain’t airconditioned. Yeah, I could have dug myself into a hole and it wouldn’t have gotten hotter.

So as much as it pains me to spend my money on booking a hotel just 1 and a half mile away from our own home, I had to. I just had to. I even used my debit card, not my credit card which could have been the more obvious option but I had to convince myself that this is an actual emergency and not some spoiled reason to go somewhere fancy. I just could not stand the freaking heat for another minute.

So I’m here now – booked at a hotel on some secluded street here in Makati for two days reading Laini Taylor’s, eating the most mediocre nachos I’ve tasted, drinking my happy dose of hot white chocolate mocha and a little bid of vodka on the side.


And I also get more vain when the room is of minimalistic design. I dig that shit. So here’s an unnecessary selfie with unnecessary make up. Like hello???????? Do hotels hide hunky males in the bathroom for you to do your make up?????

hotel 2

Sue me. I’m still gonna post my face. Haha.

Blog #2: Do I Ever Grow Up?

I like to think that I have been busy in my actual life that I couldn’t have spare some time to write something and update my blog or to read the books I’ve been waiting ages to read but I had so much free time I might as well have been unemployed.

Blame it on my sudden fascination with TV series. *gasp* TV series over books?! I know. It’s not very conceivable especially for a person such as I who have yet to endure a week without a book from few years past but I finally had. I binged watched Suits and Stranger Things and Riverdale and 13 Reasons Why. Sue me.

I also went on two hikes. They were exhilarating but it still does not erase the fact that I did not read a single thing for two months. Two. Freaking. Months. Damn, yes, people. I am disappointed at myself, too.

Well anyway, let’s stop talking about stupid decisions and get right on with the exciting stuff about my life. Not that anybody cares but keeping a blog makes you think you’re actually important. Hehe.

An ex always has to come back and fuck your life up. That’s right. We think we’re too good for cheating exes but sometimes we’re not. Sometimes emotions are too obstreperous and they get in the way of the healing process. And you do not only have your treacherous emotions to reign in, you also have high blood alcohol content at the moment which was actually a freaking good idea in the first place, wasn’t it? Pretty sure you’re in some deep shit.

This ex is of a girlfriend. Shocking. Not.

And then he asks you if, maybe, you can give the both of you a chance to start again. With his girlfriend on the side. Basically, he is asking you to be his second. That is the most fucked up garbage I’ve heard my entire life but inebriated me laughed it off and just blamed that unreal statement on his innate arrogance and idiocy. And I also said sure.

Yeah, what the fuck, right? But thank god he had a change of hearts after a couple of minutes and he asked me to go out at night, when everybody is asleep and we all know that nothing wholesome or modest happens then so I knew each word he was spouting was the same bullshit over and over again. He’s not exactly contacting me because I was lovely, and nice and he likes me. Nope. He’s in it for the adulterous bullcrap I was supposed to have spotted right on if I wasn’t so drunk.

Almost. I almost fell for it. But I am the amending girl. I don’t show emotions to people who doesn’t deserve a pint of it. He likes to play so I am gonna play his game. if I had anything left, it is my dignity. Why, anyway, do I still have stored feelings for a guy who has never felt sorry for what he did and now asking me to be his option 2? Why? Why is it so hard to ignore what has been when he fucking cheated on me?

He tells me I’m dramatic. Yeah, right. If he had an access to my unending thoughts, he’d know that I am tad more dramatic than he thinks. If he had known half of what I felt about him, he’d cut the bullshit of calling me dramatic and send me to the nearest mental hospital instead.

I’m going to admit it. Only two men has burned me quite deeply. The first guy who took me years to finally forget, and this guy. Which is why I am so fucked up from his annoying ass the past couple of days and I don’t know what to do with the ashes that seem to want to resume burning.

Thankfully, I was sober the last couple of days – no clouded judgment and absolutely no ruining of other people’s relationships. Because I ain’t that person. I am not going to delude myself into believing that he feels more for me.

When he decided to drop the bomb on me and said he had someone else, I did not reduce myself into calling him the cheating bastard, and lying asshole even when he deserved it. I did not ask for forgiveness two months later when he called me. But I was drunk on weekend nights. I was so broken. I thought he was the one for me. Thought it was going to last. Thought he wasn’t capable of lying. But we all are, you know. Capable of lying. I didn’t think I was ever going to stop drinking because I was so messed up. We had a connection (or maybe I was the only one feeling the connection, who knows). We were funny together, we got into debates, I sent him pizzas because he liked them and it made me happy seeing him happy, I supported his decisions when he was looking for work because I knew how it felt to have no one support your decisions, he was the first to know that I passed the board exams and called me his pharmacist and I was teary-eyed… He was there for me. I was there for him.

But all that bullshit are almost two years old. And I am actually glad to believe and know that I am not the same person he left. I’ve grown so much. I may still not be beautiful, but I am more driven, passionate, and smarter in my decisions now.

I am good. I can’t actually be that desperate to allow people to mistreat me, right? Believe me when I say, I have cut off all of the people who always made me feel like I am the second (or maybe third, dude that’s even worse). Nobody deserves such a thing.

So there goes my story. Not interesting and intellectually rich but it will do for a personal blog. Lol. See you all around! :)